1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.