Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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