i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.