I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
