We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma