Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
