Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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