My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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