Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
