Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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