I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
