ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
