So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
