During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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