no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
