Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
