Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
