it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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