puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
