it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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