this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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