At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
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I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
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I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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