I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
