when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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