put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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