And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So many bounce houses so little time
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
