I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Shame is for Republicans.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
