Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
