its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
