If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
