Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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