How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
