please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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