ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
