Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
