oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
