sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
