I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
