Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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