Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
