I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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