My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
