i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
