A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i dont even know how to be here
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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