Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
