I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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