Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
