Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
