Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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