He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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