i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
