A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
