Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
