Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
