u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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