organizing the empties. That sober.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
