I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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