I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
