When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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