Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
