filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
