I accidentally had phone sex last night
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
