i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
