i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
